On People Pleasing

One morning, back in elementary school, a few hundred meters from where my father usually dropped my brother and I off for school, that he told me this story:

Juha (also known as Hoca in Turkish) and his son were going through the market with their donkey. Juha rode the donkey while his son walked alongside him. They heard people murmuring and saying: "Look how unjust Juha is. He's comfortable on the donkey while his son has to walk." Juha stops and trades places with his son. They hear people murmuring and saying: "Look how disrespectful Juha's son is. He sits on the donkey and makes his father walk!" Juha stopped and rode the donkey behind his son. As they continued on their way through the market, they heard people murmuring and saying: "Look how heartless they are! They're both riding without any concern for the donkey's back." Juha stops, instructs his son to get off the donkey, and gets off too. As they continue on their way through the market, leading the donkey behind them, they hear people murmuring and saying: "Look at them. They walk when they have a donkey they can ride!"

I do not remember much else about that day or what prompted my father to tell us this story, but it has stuck with me ever since.

"You cannot please everyone."

The most obvious lesson or take away in this story is that you cannot please everyone. Opinions and preferences are as different as there are people. Sometimes, we even hold contradictory opinions. Pleasing everyone is impossible unless you are willing to shed every last piece of your identity, personality, and free will.

"People don't know your circumstances."

As I grew older and thought on the story more and more, I deduced another lesson. People don't know your circumstances. We meet Juha and his son at a random point in the time continuum. We don't know what happened before, we don't know what relationship the father and son have, and we don't know anything about the state of the donkey. Yet, similar to the people in the market, at some point we start forming opinions about what they should do.

The first group of people in the market had as much information as we did and made a judgment based on that limited knowledge.

The second group had no knowledge of the first group's knowledge or what had transpired before. Yet, they made a judgment.

The third group did the same, and, if you're anything like me, you did too, even if in your mind. You started looking for a solution to the riddle, and in so doing, you formed an opinion and made a judgment.

I think the point is clear enough by now.

"Be open to criticism but aware of your needs and resources."

As I was contemplating the story again this week, I deduced another lesson. Be open to criticism, but stay aware of your needs and resources.# Because you cannot please everyone, criticism is inevitable. Instead of avoiding it, learn to learn from it.

Juha on the donkey's back had a different view of the situation than his son's or the spectators'. So there was nothing wrong in his taking the criticism into consideration. There is always knowledge to be gained. Juha's mistake, however, was in losing sight of his needs and resources.

By prioritizing others' opinions, Juha discarded any hope of finding a solution that best suits him, his son, and the donkey. So be open to criticism and allow for the possibility that there might be something that you don't know, but most importantly, make sure that you know your abilities and limitations before you make any change.